Hello Katherine, or Kaki if you'll allow me to use that nickname.
You, of course, know who I am and I assume no introductions are necessary if you've found your way here to read this. I assume you know who I am because I accept your mom's word that she's told you all about me. I never knew her to be prone to lying so I'll believe she did tell you something of me in relation to being your biological father. However, given the way she and I parted plus the way I haven't been involved in your life during your childhood I find it reckless to assume you've been told anything about me other than I exist.
The last time I had any real contact with your mom, Jerri, she said I was never "bad-mouthed" to you. I'll assume that's true as well. Given there was plenty to criticize in my relationship with your mom I count it as a favor your mom and dad (Donnie) had the good grace to refrain from sharing with you their opinions about me. As you grow older, though, I believe you'll be looking for your own explanations and forming your own opinion about who and what kind of person I am. That's one reason I'm starting this blog as a place where you can find the letters I write to you.
For a while I was writing you letters through the postal service and it seemed they were getting to you since you wrote back a few times. For whatever reasons, though, I stopped receiving letters from you and after a while I stopped sending my own. I have never stopped thinking of you, dreaming about you, and hoping your life is as happy as can be. The last letter I got from you talked of fish, how they are colorful and how many varieties there are in the sea. You thanked me for the beanie baby Tree Frog I sent and said we could be friends. Your mother told me later in an e-mail she would be going out to sea and perhaps our contact would be cut off for a while until she returned.
You'll be 11 years old this year. My own memories start getting clear and consistent around that age when I look back on my childhood. I can only presume your experience will be similar when it comes to being able to remember things from your past. I'm sorry I haven't been and won't be a part of those childhood memories. If you wonder why I'm not then my only answer is because I thought it best for you. Whether or not it is judged as best is beyond me but I made my decision and it can't be undone.
As for whether or not I wanted to be a part of your life, the answer is yes. I did very much, and still do, wish to be a part of your daily life and be able to have an active role as you grew and matured. Things of this nature will be covered in more detail in the future as you grow older and such questions become more important to you. The important thing is I loved you, do continue to love you, and will continue to love you.
I'll write more later.
Your father,
Sean.
